Kris Peraldo's Journal

I just spent one of the best weeks of my life with my friends in Huntington. I didn't get to see everyone, which is my fault, but the people I did get to see kept me very entertained. I lost track of time repeatedly, and I wish that hadn't happened, but nothing can change what did happen so whatever.

I got caught up on all my tv shows and such that I wanted to catch up on. Specifically House and How I Met Your Mother, and that always spells a good week. Not to mention the amount of terrorists and dirty Russians that I shot. They deserved it, and I think I might finally be playing a bonafide Halo killer. That's probably got a lot to do with the fact that Halo 3 is two years removed anyway, but the point remains the same. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is immaculate.

I might be nearly done with chemotherapy. Maybe only one more treatment depending on the state of the tumors in my chest. If they're small enough, I will get to move on to radiation, and I'm really excited that I might nearly be done with all that garbage. I'm raelly tired of it, to the point that I just don't want to do it anymore.

I tried to talk to my doctor today about how I felt that he didn't care about me in the slightest and that I was just another case to him, among other things. His only rebuttal to everything that I was saying was, "Well, I don't want you to get addicted to narcotics." I haven't had any narcotics in over a month now, nor do I want them. I don't want to be in pain CONSTANTLY, but I'd rather be in pain than even risk getting addicted to some of that garbage.

I am very displeased with my doctor and general health care. I wish it weren't the case. They have, even more so, instilled a fear of doctors and hospitals in me that I will probably never get over. Because of the way my doctor has just assumed that I am a narcotics seeker, he's got every doctor in the area looking at me like I'm an addict, and I can't get any real treatment when I end up in the hospital.

The doctor in Morgantown apparently decided the same thing. He didn't know me. He had two conversations with me the entire week I was there, none of which was asking me anything about my health. They've just decided that nothing is wrong with me but the cancer and that I'm seeking drugs. That pisses me off in ways that I will never be able to explain.

Since then, my stomach, the organ itself, has been swollen with no excuse, but I can finally keep food down, which I like. I'm in pain constantly, sometimes it's so bad, all I can do it focus on not breaking down just to try and get through it. I hate pain more and more everyday. I mean, I was never really fond of it in the first place, but now I loathe it with every fiber in my being. Instead of getting used to it, I seem to just be in about the same position that I've always been with it.

If I need to go to the hospital again, going to Oak Hill. It's a shitty small hospital, but I know I might get better care there. I know a lot of the community there, and I might be able to talk to someone sane instead of the bunch of fucking morons that have decided to take my care and comfort like it's some sort of game to me.

In other news, I'm ready to start being social again. Depression beat. Social, romantic, friendly with new people. I want to do it all. I'm so excited to be over the halfway point in this treatment, and my mind is saying that it wants to get back out there. I don't know if playing the "I survived cancer" card is in good or poor taste. If you're a lady, and you have an opinion, you should let me know. Or just get back to cleaning and cooking. (That second part was a joke.)

I don't really have anything else to say, so I will leave now and play some internet poker. When I get my xanex today, I will be napping. I'm considering snorting one to see if that changes the way it effects me. Won't be a hobby, but it would be interesting to see if it changes the way it works with a faster delivery system. This last part is not to make anyone worry. Just a random thought I had while in the shower.

By the way, I had some excellent dreams in the last week. One of which made me have more faith in relationships and trying to be in one. It was very interesting. I'm also realizing how much of a skilled dreamer that I am with the amount of control that I have in the subconscious.I'm definitely impressed. Anyway, goodnight.

Sick today, but my nausea meds seem to have finally kicked in. Got to eat some knock-off Honey Nut Cheerios, though, and that seemed to make a lot of things a lot better. Now I am finally listening to music, which I haven't done in months, and I realize how much I missed the sultry tones playing through the canals in my ears. It's mind numbing how these simple songs are making me happy. I can't afford to not record. Good day.

It's really late tonight, and I am sitting on a friend's laptop here in Morgantown. I want to be completely honest and say that all is not well with Kris Peraldo. Physically it is frustrating and terrifying and I wish I knew what was wrong with my body, but I am handling it. In all seriousness, I will either die from the healing process or I will make it through like a champion and look back and these difficult times with a bit of chagrin at my lack of bravery during it. I am, though, very concerned for my wellbeing. I haven't been able to stay out of the hospital for weeks now, and no doctor can tell me what is wrong with me, and most of them won't take the time to figure it out. I figure what I'm going to have to do is finish chemo and then go through the whole doctoring process when I'm done, but I am wondering whether or not I will make it.

Beyond that, I'm more alone every day, and that sucks. I am growing a lot, though, as a person. Maybe. I think I just have less patience for stupid things and people. I can't really explain it. I don't have anything else to say. I hope I make it.

I'm overthinking being creative again.  I enjoy the flow when I'm not thinking about it, and I can just work on something.  I want to be creative and work on something, but I feel that I work better in essay-form.  Non-fiction, opinion based, dialouge enhanced, dangerously hopeful rhetoric.  That's what I do well.  I'd love to work on creative projects like some of the ideas I've had for movies, but at the end of the day, I know that if I did do a movie, I'd do a documentary better than anything, because all the information is already there and it's real, and I just have to decide how to show it off.  That's what I'm good at.  Taking the existing and making it entertaining, enveloping, overwhelming to the sensory.  I know I need practice, but those are things that I'm good at. 

I made a friend cry over the summer talking about my personal afflictions with the country currently.  "The Unfairness of the State of America" would be what I would title that speech.  Admittedly, I was on LSD, and I couldn't really stop myself from just constantly going on and on, but everything was so succinct in my head.  It's still succinct, but jumbled because of how fast my brain is moving.  Even now I'm trying to think about all of the things I believe, and it's like a puzzle.  I'm good at puzzles, but this one is admittedly harder because all the pieces are foggy and moving at a mile a minute.  I don't believe the things I said less, but it it more difficult to articulate them now. 

The clarity of that morning still makes me feel passionate, though.  I see myself being able to do a lot for the country if I just apply myself.  I'm having trouble with the motivation to start in it right now, though.  I don't feel like I have the knowledge, the energy, or the physical ability for it at present.  That, in itself, is not fair to the country that I love, because I really should grow up and just do things, but I've always found it very difficult to focus.  I'm definitely considering getting some medicine to try and slow my mind down again, but I assume that the xanex I have been prescribed will definitely do some good to slow down the excess brain work I constantly do as a result of anxiety.

That's just a bit of a window into my head.  I hope that you appreciate it.

Just a quick update whilst I wait to go to the hospital yet again.  I've spent so much time there in the last few weeks that most of the nursing staff in the ER knows me by name.  Today I have to go and see if their particular incompetence has given me a blood clot in the arm I have my PICC Line in, which, for those of you who don't know, is a catheter that goes in my arm and al the way to my chest cavity.  If I do have a blood clot, then I'll have to do blood thinners for a while and get my PICC Line removed and get the Port put in my chest, which means I might have to stay in the hospital.  It's an interesting day, but at least I wasn't being a hypochondriac.  That makes me happy.

On another note, I've pulled my back out or am having serious kidney problems.  I don't know which, but as I'm not peeing blood, I hope my muscles are just betraying me with all the sedentary living.  If it's my kidneys, I don't know what to do, but it hurts to do anything, including moving and breathing.  It's not fun, and I hope to be better soon, or at least get some pain pills so I can freaking not tear up everytime I have to go to the restroom.

I'm not as dour as my previous entry made it seem.  I was more just expressing where my sad thoughts came from.  I'm actually pretty happy and serene with where my life is, even though I'm missing out on living at the moment.  I'm making headway with new people and learning more about myself and what I want.  Heather, a friend of mine, has given me contact info to start getting involved with the Democratic Party of WV, and I'm hesitant to contact them just yet, because I don't know what my health will be like.  It's consistensy is that of runny pudding, and I never know if it's going to thicken or get more watery.  I have to hope, though, that by the next month, I can get involved.  I'd love to start working on that.  In other news, I'm just being kind of a social whore, playing poker, Halo, and other things just for the fun of it.  Gotta fill the time somehow.  I wish you all the best, but I am done typing now.

I've been advised to give an accurate recount of The Time of Cancer, or Cancer Times as they will hence be called.  I don't really want to, because this already dictates and has decided my life for the better part of a year, and I'm not even there yet.  I sometimes have this failing wish that I were brave enough to let go, but I could never do that.  I hate the hurt I've put people in just being sick and needy, let alone trying to fathom the feelings my mother would have when trying to decide what to bury me in.  That is a very sobering thought, but it comes with a price. 

I'm not particularly living for myself right now.  Everyone else has a reason for me to live, but I don't seem to have one.  I can look at the future and hope that it will be something special, but not only will I have to completely rebuild my life when I get done, most of the people I want there will be gone.  Most of my friends that I REALLY want to be around will be leaving by the time I get better, so Huntington is a non-option.  I hate that, because before I got sick, it looked as though that I could be happy and stable there for a couple of years before I was forced to pack up and move along again. 

All my closest friends get to move on with their lives while I'm left holding the bag.  I'm not entirely jealous, but it does come into account.  It's mostly that I really don't have much to look forward to.  Sure, I'll have the rest of my life to make memories and maybe I'll develop more relationships with people as I always do, but for once in my ever-chaotic life, I was happy with where I was and the people I had around me.  Come next Summer, I'll be ousted back into the real world with nothing that I've worked so hard to finally attain.

I'm glad my friends are moving on with their lives and will be happy productive people, but I don't see anything for me except a rebuilding process.  I'll have to find all new pieces and a new place to live and new friends because mine will be gone.  A year from my life is gone that I will never get back, and I am just so sad to see it go.  Beyond the chemo beating me up week in and week out, I have to know, deep down, while everyone else can tell me to see the glass half full, I have to realize that the glass is gone, and all that remains is a puddle for me to wallow in.

On the brightside, I can't embarrass myself by acting like this when I've got nothing around to care.  I'll prolly leave the internet altogether soon as every time I get on it, I get more depressed.  More things I can't be involved in, more memories I get to feed off of that are nonexistant to me.  Nothing but people that care enough at a distance but will never get the full-brundt of what's going on in my head and are too hopeful for me to get better to see the real quandry that I'm in.  Hope you enjoyed this.

My moods are very erratic.  I mean, I feel like I did when I was 13 again, and I hate it.  I hate it so fucking much that it's even now eating me alive inside.  That feeling of hopelessness and despair that you can only achieve when your hormones are running amock inside of you.  That desperation for human contact that's meaningful and loving but you can't because you're so focused on yourself that you miss it all.  I don't even know what a connection is at the moment, because I'm so wrapped up in myself that I don't even know where to start. 

I miss being able to focus on other things than my mood.  I have nothing right now, and it's very frustrating.  I have a lot of things, but I don't really.  I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but I really feel that it's an accurate description of what's going on.  I'm ultimately alone in my own wallowing, but I can't get out of it, becuase I'm quite literally stuck in this pit of despair.  I wish it weren't so mellodramatic, but it is.  I get glimmers of hope for the future and things I want to accomplish, and I know they'll be there some day, but for the next few months, all I can actually see is sickness and wanting to be dead.

I mean, really wanting to be dead.  I know that's not fair, because there are a lot of people that are worse off than me, and I shouldn't be such a whiny quitter, and I don't really feel this way most of the time, but when it hits me it's like a brick-truck, or a truck comprised entirely of bricks.  I don't want to do this 50% of the time.  I just want it to all be normal and to be healthy and to have my own life again.  I just have to sit here and wait it out, if I get to live, and that's not very good for me mentally. 

Not to mention my normal depression which I had finally began dealing with, my moods are splayed across the event horizon like the clothing of two fumbling teenagers rolling around in the dark of a bedroom they're not supposed to be in.  Haphazard and messy and so hard to pull apart correctly.  I know it will be okay, and people will only tell me that, because no one knows for certain that it will be. 

I cried yesterday because my beard started falling out.  I love my facial hair.  I've used it for so many years to define my face that I've never been happy with, and I don't get to have it anymore.  It was like a friend of mine that I could experiment with and see what I wanted to express with it, and it's gone now.  So's the hair on top of my head.  I've said for years, because I know about all of my negative qualities, that my hair was my only redeeming quality, because it was beautiful naturally, and now it's gone from me as well. 

I know it will grow back, much like the rest of my life will, in gradual steps that I must wait on, but I'm not lamenting for the time I won't have it.  I'm mourning the fact that it is gone in the first place.  I don't feel like I'm me without it, because it was part of the definition.

Another thing I've been dealing with, the most of it that seems to get me when I get so frustrated is that my life is at a stand-still for the most part.  I don't have the energy to really involve myself in anything, let alone go out and do new things.  I was only out for about 8 hours yesterday, and I had to nap twice in the car for about 3 of the 8 hours I was out.  Maybe more than that.  I can't even imagine doing real things with people or trying to be friendly and outspoken. 

I do, however, get to sit back and watch all the people I care about flourish and do new things and keep living while I sit and wait to be able to just stay awake during the day.  I get to see my friends move on in life while I'm at an unintended stand-still.  I was okay with not doing anything for the years that I chose not to, because I was making the decision to do things my way.  Now I don't have a choice when I am ready to go and do things with my life.  It's just... it hurts. 

I'm sorry for writing like this, because I know it will all be okay in the end, but for this year that I am out of it, I will feel like I want to die for at least half of it.  I know it's stupid, but there are times I want to just refuse treatment and just be done with it.  I really do want that sometimes, and as much as it scares me, I know it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.  There's a good chance I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life, and that makes me very afraid and angry.

Anyway... good day.  No song.  I don't care that much right now.

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but I've wanted to be in the proper mood for it.  Not depressed, not overly hyper, nothing extreme.  I just wanted to be happy with where I am, and take it a day at a time.  I feel like that is where I am currently abiding, so I will share with you what I can for the time being.  Do enjoy this.

Cancer is scary.  Even my cancer, and it's barely even considered a cancer anymore.  Everytime I get depressed about it because it's "oh, so hard" I get annoyed with myself.  I'm not trying to say it's not a serious situation, because it is, in fact, a definite trial for my life.  At the same time, though, it's nothing, really.  There are a lot of more terrible things that my friends have and are dealing with.

I'm going to be okay, unless my body betrays me again, and I just can't make it through chemo.  I mean, that's a sad thought, but it is a real possibility, and I'm dealing with it.  In the mean time, I'm just trying to feel adequately alright on the day to day so I can keep living.

The best way to do that is to load up on meds so my body feels okay and knowing that when I am completely better, there will be so many adventures that it is ridiculous.  Also, I mean, my diet is amazing and the state is really paying me back for the hardship this place puts me through.

The only problem is that I get bored and lonely.  I mean, those feelings are less than enjoyed, but I have to deal with them.  The worst feeling in the world is being lonely, wanting someone to curl up with and talk while you're sick, and not having anyone even remotely interested or near you to be disinterested.  Those late nights are destructive.

I am, however, about to enter the world of politics because of a friend of mine, and that makes me really happy.  I love maybe having a chance to fix this country, as it is my hopeful life plan.  Being a politician and making this country what it could be instead of a place that makes me afraid of one day maybe having a family.

That's an interesting thought, though.  My chemo and radiation and other things can make me sterile.  As a result, lately a ton of people have been trying to persuade me to freeze my semen on the off chance that I AM sterile, that way I will have some on file for the purpose of raising my own bloodline.  The math is very disparaging, though.  Only 10% chance means that I'd have to be really unlucky for my man goods to not... be good anymore.  I have to run that risk, I think. 

Maybe it's not the best idea, but I like the idea that maybe if I do get to be sterile, then I'm not meant to let my bloodline go on.  I'd be afraid of it anyway on the off-chance that my child developed the cancer I have.  I'm not even in a relationship right now, so I'm not thinking about a family in the first place.  It'd be nice to dream about, I guess, but the state of the country alone makes me not want to have a child at the moment, let alone prepare for it.

How do you explain to someone that you're with that you've had sperm frozen so that she can turkey baster it into her vagina?  I don't think that it's a good idea at all.  I would imagine there's no way to ever let her know that witout it being a very unpleasant conversation.  Maybe that's just the over-sensitive part of me, but seriously... weird.

I think I will cut this here.  There's a lot more to say, but I feel that this is a good start to blogging again.  Thanks for reading it, and I hope you all learn to fucking comment on my work.

PS The song today will be a song by my new favorite rapper: Blitz the Ambassador.

Well, I guess while I'm waiting to get more chips from Pokerstars.net, I will write you a short blog.  I did chemo for teh first time, and it was awful.  I am really not looking forward to the next 4-6 months, but I will make it through, and I'll be ready for action next summer for fun time forever.  I guess that's as cheesy and ignorant as I can make it.  Truth is, I feel practically dead right now.  This is going to be tough on me, and I am now officially ready to take charity from anyone that wants to supply me with good wholesome meals from time to time. 

Please note that however good a meal is, I might not always be able to keep it down.

If that doesn't happen, then I just want to go ahead and thank everyone for teh support that they're giving me, and I want you to know that I appreciate it. 

Yesterday was Dave and Alexis's wedding.  I hate to say that I'm a girl, but God damn, what it a beautiful ceremony.  Watching Dave light that lighter, though, was the best part, and I don't say that as facetiously as it might seem.  I mean, I love weddings and they're filled with love and all the good things, but watching David get married and still remain his hand-retarded self was comforting in some way.  He's gonna be alright.  Or die painfully.  Let's up for the former of the two.

On the rough portion of the night, though, I am a woman.  You know, I thought that I would be impervious to that whole "Weddings make people want other people to be with them" thing.  I'm growing steadily more envious of my friends that have good happy relationships, and I hate that, but fucking Gooooooood do I want some companionship.  Especially right now when my mental stability is shaky because of all the cancer stuff. 

I don't want to sound needy, though, because I don't feel like I am.  It's just the security of knowing that even though you don't have anything else, someone still loves you enough to kiss your forehead when you're feeling completely awful.  Someone to keep you warm at night when you can't sleep because your brain and stomache are pounding in pain.  Those types of things, and I want that more and more every day, because when I'm alone, I feel alone.

Again, sounding whiny, but I feel like I need that kind of thing right now.  I don't want to sound like my friends aren't good enough, either.  I love them, and they are doing what friends do, and it's working perfectly.  But... something more.  Someone deeper in meaning that made me feel like it's all going to be okay especially when it's not... that would be nice.

As far as my health is concerned, I've been pushing myself harder of late to try and regain some form of normalcy, but it's hard.  I won a Magic the Gathering tournament, and I am looking to win more and more.  I really like it, because it's such a good distraction and I don't have to be anyone but me.  I can win and be me instead of D&D where I have to be someone else.  And it's so deep and ever changing and competitive.  I love it, and I can't wait to do more with it.

I was supposed to start chemo today or tomorrow, but the Dr. didn't schedule it, so I have to wait to find out why on Thursday.  That should be... fun.  I have Stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma Nodular Sclerosis, and the chemo treatment they told me I'd be on is called ABVD, which you can easily look up on google.  That's all I know.  Good day.

PS.  I will leave you with some Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground.

I just went to Funny People, and I really loved the movie.  I want to talk about how it made me think, but every time I want to feel bad, I think about how I don't have any excuse to whine.  I don't deserve to be sad or scared.  I don't get to be weak.

I want you to know that I am weak.  I'm a failure at so much, and I long to connect with one person on a level where I can wake up next to them and just be satisfied with where I am, and I don't really trust anyone or anything and all the rest of the bad scared sad wants.

But I can't be that, and I will keep sacrificing who I am to try and make sure everything is okay.



Maybe I am a martyr, but no one complains until you admit it.



Put me in your suitcase
Let me help you pack
'Cause you're never coming back
No, you're never coming back

Cook me in your breakfast
And put me on your plate
'Cause you know I taste great
Yeah, you know I taste great

At the hop, it's greaseball heaven
With candy pants and Archie too

Put me in your dry dream
Or put me in your wet
If you haven't yet
No, if you haven't yet

Light me with your candle
And watch the flames grow high
No, it doesn't have to try
It doesn't have to try

Well, I won't stop all of my pretending
That you'll come home
You'll be coming home someday soon

Put me in your blue skies
Or put me in your grey
There's gotta be some way
There's gotta be some way

Put me in your tongue tie
Make it hard to say
That you ain't gonna stay
That you ain't gonna stay

Wrap me in your marrow
Stuff me in your bones
Sing a mending moan
A song to bring you home

Well, it's already been quite a day, and I don't know how to deal with it entirely.  I woke up to a call from my doctor's secretary... or whatever they're called nowadays.  I have to be at the hospital at 830 in the morning to get a bone marrow biopsy.  That's not really that worrying or anything, but Dr. Beer told me that if the other biopsy came back as positive for lymphoma that the next step would be to do a bone marrow biopsy.  Now, he didn't say that was the only option for a bone marrow biopsy, but he did say that it WAS an option.  As such, I'm now pretty sure it's cancer.

I haven't really opened up about this, because I don't open up well to people, and no one seems to want to have the real conversation where I talk about my fear.  Where I talk about the crippling depression that seizes me 50% of the time, because I have no idea where my life is going to go now.  Ideally, everything will remain the same, but the fact of the matter is that no matter how ideally I want to and try to live my life, that's not the way it's going to work out.

I'm not going to go to therapy for whatever it is and come home and everything is going to be normal.  I'm not going to be able to do the things I want to do to the established over the top extent which I currently do things.  I guess that could be a good thing, but it's just unacceptable to me.  I know that's selfish, but it's my life, yeah?  I don't know.  Everything is different. 

Everyone says don't be afraid.  Don't worry about it, you'll be okay.  All these people want me to use them to talk to, but I just can't actually say anything to anyone. 

Actually, I'm done with this, but I'll give a quick overview.

Bone marrow biopsy tomorrow.  Doc told me that that's the next step after I tested positive for cancer.  Told me that a week ago, but I assume that it still applies.  I still haven't been told what the fucknig deal is.  It might not even be cancer, but everything I've been told to this point says that it's cancer.  I know it's a stupid worry, but I really hope I make it to my birthday.   And I wish you could understand how I feel, the fear.  The depression.  It's all pressing in, and there's really... no bright spots on the horizon that I can be sure about.  I wish you all the best day.

I'm not better.  With rest over the course of this week, I have only begun to feel worse and worse.  Body is exhausted way more often, breathing is still a challenge, and I'm terrified.  I'm calling in the morning to get some results, because it seems the communication system has broken down between me and Dr. Beer.  (Really spelled Bir.)

Well, livejournal.  I haven't updated recently, but I assume that right now is as good a time as any.

I'm currently in the hospital with what appears to be lymphoma, which is a type of cancer that attacks my lymph system.  Most of you LiveJournal people know this already and have visited.  For you, most of this will be repeat information.  For those of you, and I know there's not many, but for those of you who do not presently know of my plight, you will shortly be educated on my last two trying days.

I had gotten sick about a week ago at The Republic, and it put me in a near comatose state for about 3 days.  Then, I went to work for two days.  I felt well enough, and when I was there I busted my ass prettttttttty intensely.  Monday morning, I woke up with every intention of going to work and doing the same thing I do everyday, but midway through my shower, I started to realize just how sick I felt that morning. 

Even though it was yesterday, it feels as though it was a month ago already.

So, I got someone to call off work for me because I didn't have a phone, and decided that I was going to go to the hospital.  I then promptly passed out for the next 8 hours after sleeping the previous night for a full 8 hours. 

When I woke up at around 5, Blake was getting in, and he was kind enough to take me to the hospital and sit with me the whole time.  I was wary, because it always takes forever to get into an emergency and be seen by a doctor, but within the first half hour of being here, I was talking to a doctor, and that felt great.  I told him my symptoms, and he listened to my lungs, and didn't hear anything bad really until I coughed. 

It was at that moment that he was pretty sure that I have/had pneumonia.  That wasn't so scary a diagnosis, because I was pretty sure that was the case anyway.  The doctor wanted to get an x-ray of my chest just to be sure anyway.  So, I went to the x-ray room, and did that. 

When they call me back into the area where there are like... rooms for examinations, my doctor tells me that there's swelling in my lymph nodes, and that they're worried it's lymphoma.  Now, from what I've seen on tv shows, such as House, and other various knowledge I've picked up, I know that that's cancer.  Then I get a Chest CT scan done so that I know what the deal is, and they never told me the results of that, but they did tell me they wanted me to stay over that night to run more tests.  That was toooooooootally reassuring.

I did get checked in finally at midnight.  It was alright, I slept that night in indifference for the situation.  I think it was mostly based in the fact that I was in complete shock of my situation.

I woke up this morning to my nurses starting me on IV fluids to try and keep my liquids up, which actually wasn't a problem in the slightest as I keep myself pretty well hydrated.  Then I had to drink some contrast and then get yet another CT scan, this one for my abdomen.  Still don't know the results of that.

I'll skip the boring stuff, and the parts where people came to visit me, as they aren't the point of this story.  Later, I talked to Dr. Bir.  Dr. Bir is a hematologist/oncologist.  That's a fairly impressive combination.  He felt around on my lymph nodes and my balls to make sure that was all okay, and my man parts seemed to be okay and not really illicit a response, but apparently there are a "good amount" of lumps on my right groin lymph node.  That's not as promising. 

Then, the Cardio Thrassic(sp?) surgeon that was going to do my biopsy came to talk to me, and said the words, "probably lymphoma" and that was terrifying, but he also said, "treatable" and some other comforting words, but those probably words.... not okay.


So, there you have it.  Where I am, physically, to this date. 

Mentally, I am a mess, but I don't want to talk about it.  I have never been more afraid and depressed in my entire life, and I don't know how to handle it.  Watching my friends walk away from my room today was the saddest feeling in the whole world, because it reminded me that even though I have my friends, I am completely alone in this at the end of the day, and that's just how it is.  It's not a personal thing I can actually share with anyone.  This is a fight I have to take on with my body, for my body.  People can care about me and send all the thoughts in the world, and it's going to do it's own good, but at the end of the day, I'm the one laying by myself in this cold hospital room wondering about the future... if there is even a future. 

The worst part is that I feel like I was finally getting my life together and getting a direction I wanted for the future of me and my country, and now... I mean, it's all up in the air.  I squandered so much of my time being lazy, and sure it made me the person that I am, but I could have done more with my time until now, and that hurts so much when I realize it's my fault and there's nothing that I Can do to change it.

It's not all depressing... it's mostly all depressing, but not quite all of it.  I will keep pressing on and doing what I have to in life, but that doesn't take away from my current fear and depression based on my current status of living... thanks for reading it.

I really am very happy anymore.  I don't know what it is, but it is fantastic.  All Good was amazing, and it validated all the thoughts I had, beliefs, and it gave me ambition and determination.  Resolve.  Confidence.  It seems like I'm slowly starting to put things in motion day by day, and I can't wait to see where it goes.  Very excite.

I probably could have got fired today.  I could have lost my temper a few times, and that would have been it.  I don't deal well with being talked down to by anyone, least of all a superior who is incompetent yelling at me for doing my job correctly as opposed to the mess she was trying to make of it this morning.  I don't care how busy it gets, I never get really stressed at work, because it's just Taco Bell, and those people are the ones asking us to make them some unhealthy food.  I can wait them out if I HAVE to, but I didn't have to today.  I just needed another employee to do his job the way we're supposed to, which he knew he had to, and we both got yelled at.  I'm cool with being yelled at to an extent, but when it's in that situation, it lit me on fire.  So, I was a smartass and rude back to her.  I didn't have any other options, and I didn't do it in a fucked up way.  I did it like I was in charge of her and she had overstepped her boundaries.  

I'm good at my job, and I'm proud of that fact, because I've been there for a month, and I have nailed the position.  I am already training new employees and I'm asked to take other shifts etc.  I do it all, and to get yelled at today for something I knew was both the right thing to do and the necessary thing to do... well, my temper still hasn't gone down.  

I think I could have gotten over it, though, but I was working drive-thru cashier, and right after that shit happens, which we were a little slow during because of the instant rush of business, we got a little behind.  Happens all the time, so it wasn't anything to worry about, but we had to keep working.  I did so grudgingly.  I open the window to get a guy to pay for his food, and he had been in the line for like... 5.75 minutes.

"You people are too slow."

"I'm sorry, Sir.  We got a little backed up, but we'll have your order in just a second."

"What, don't you people have anybody working in there?"

What the fuck.  It never really did get a lot better.  Fuck.  Other things have transpired since I've arrived at home...

Sucky day, I'm not off tomorrow, and I long for some form of company, but I will never see anyone.

So, let me lay this on the line, LiveJournal.  I'm getting really anxious again.  I don't feel particularly wanted right now.  I know it's not the case, but I feel like... something is missing.  The only problem with that feeling, beyond the exaggerated chasm I feel gaping from where my chest used to be, is that in trying to find it, I'm going to assume I'm fucking up with everyone, and leading myself down a confidence ruining path that leads to one of my depressive streaks.  I wish I could be like other people and have the willpower to avoid that coming onslaught, but I don't particularly think that I do. 

I work too much, I don't get to be social without feeling like I'm going to be a burden or too imposing.  And I miss serious deep personal converstaions.  I miss expressing facts about myself and learning new things about others... I just don't think to ask, unless it happens. 

I don't know.  I really want someone to help me out of this before I try to bail on All Good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRUOB3Ztv-Y

I don't really have a lot to say anymore.  The summer has slowed to a halt while I wait for All Good.  In the mean time, I'm playing Call of Duty a lot more, I've picked up Magic the Gathering overnight, and am going to compete with it in tourneys, I am consistently writing music for a musical, I'm thinking about a lot of funny things to write for Monster Clutter, and I might also try writing something scary or monster-y, but I don't know how those will work out.

I'm also considering trying to jump back into the dating world... I don't know why, but I feel pretty stable, and I think I can afford the time to be in a relationship both monetarily and mentally with my new-found good relaxing happy life.  That being said, look out for really depressed entries in approximately 3 weeks-a month.

Dear Hunter's album leaked... I really need to listen to it more to really get a feel for it.

I wish there were more going on, but there's really not.  I'm going to spend a lot of money on y check for shit I don't need, but really want.  All-Good ticket, Magic deck, and other things that might actually been needed.  haha

I don't have anything else to say now, and I'm not going to leave you with a song, because I'm too lazy.  I hope this finds you well, and that someone will want to see me soon, because with my work schedule, I am desperately in need of social-ness.  Let me know, and let your friends know that might need a reliable Kris Peraldo around.

Well, it's been a while since I updated, as per usual.

There's been a lot of things going on in my life.  I'm really enjoying it so far being in Huntington.  I mean, there's just a lot of shit going on.  Hanging out with Mason and both of us becoming better Halo players, Bill and I are working on a script that will be excellenterrible, Angelo has made my fervor for Monster Clutter to be more real, and Sam has made me competitive again and I will begin "Magic"ing soon.  When I can afford it.  I want to go drafting with him so I can learn the basics and such.

Those guys are awesome, and definitely a lot of fun to be around, but Brandon and Blake are also fun.  I tripped shrooms with the two of them recently, my third time this summer and nowhere near my last.  Brandon had an excellent time, so that's definitely a good thing.  Emma is fucking awesome.  I really wish I had the time to go and see her more.  Or a car, which would make things so much easier.  Or a working phone so I could make plans.  When I saw her last night, though, it made me really happy.  Dunno why.  Just enjoyed it immensely.  Sarah and Hackney and everyone else... man, this is turning into the best summer I've had in YEARS.

I am going to go and try to see Dear Hunter in Cleveland in July, maybe, and All Good is in July, and my birthday to look forward to.  I mean, god damn... I feel infinite.

I don't have a song for right now except that new Mars Volta has leaked, and it is FUCKING EPIC.  Good day.

Summer, how I've missed thee.  This summer started with a bang, and I am really loving it so far.  Tripping with Mason was definitely one of the better experiences I've had with drugs ever, and we are clearly like children, which is the best part.  However, the most impressive part to me was that I am beastly at Halo when the colors are more evident.  If that makes sense.  It really makes me want to listen to Mars Volta and just talk to some friends while I do it.  Also, fucking making brownies ever is difficult.  Mostly though, when I'm on drugs.  

Other than that, though, I've hung out with Mason a lot.  And Sarah a good bit as a result of seeing Mason.  I really like both those cats.  I don't really always feel like the 3rd wheel in their relationship, so it's really relaxing.  We get along really well.  I haven't really seen Bill much since I got back to Huntington, though, because he seems to be really busy not hanging out with me at all.  Kind of disappointing, but that's the way it is.  Also, I don't ever get to hang out with Angelo.  I still don't know that guy that well.  Maybe he'll make an effort to change that over the rest of the summer.  

I've met more people from their high school days, which shows me just how crazy everyone in these terrible stories really is.  It's kinda crazy meeting these people in person and knowing some of the dumb awful ridiculous things that they have been a part of.  Cassie is fucking adorable, though.  Crazy, but adorable.

Emma is back in town, which is awesome!  I hope to actually see and hang out with her soon, because she is definitely one of my favorite people.  And her dog, Darwin, is fucking adorable.  Me and Mason actually had a conversation about cute being debilitating to other people, and I can safely say that if this dog was ripping out my throat, I would just guffaw at the Cute.

Ian is also starting to be one of my favorite people, which is awesome.  I love having new friends that will show me new music all the time and loves the intricacies of it.  It's fun to talk about complexity and still just laugh at some of the crazy shit you'll hear.  It's a really fun time.

I'm really invested in people of late, but my writing and thinking lanes are clearing up, too.  I'm writing down ideas, expanding on thoughts, making jokes that are my own.  I'm doing things for myself, and being happy about life, and the fact that I have a job that starts tomorrow is the most fucking exciting thing possible, because it means I will have an income flow.  And then I can do things I want/need.  Like buy clothes, drugs, food, bills, etc.  I also want to go to two concerts this summer.  

1.  The big one is All Good Festival in WV.  Les Claypool AND Buckethead will be there, and anyone that knows anything about music knows that those two are two of the most revered musicians in the world for technicality.  I realy really erally can't wait to see them.  Plus, Mason, Sarah AND Ian are going, so it's going to be about the best fucking trip imaginable.

2.  COHEED AND CAMBRIA AND BLACK SABBATH(Dio) IN CINCINATTI ON AUG 19!!!  Oh, man.  Black-fucking-Sabbath is one of the best bands of all time, even with Dio,  AND my favorite, and my first in the genre, prog-metal band all in the same night!?  Too good to be true, eh?  Not actually.  I'd really like to see Coheed and Mars Volta together, even though the culture clash would be a bit much. 

I wrote a very good piece for Monster Clutter that was semi-sexist.  I really liked it, though, when I read it.  I mean, I had forgotten what I wrote, and then I read it and thought that it was fantastic.  I couldn't believe some of the things I wrote... I liked it, and I hope that it actually made some people laugh.  I think I'm going to turn it into a series of "Top 10 Things Growing Boys Should Know."  I seem to be able to think about things in that format pretty well.  I think that the next one is going to be Top 10 Things Growing Boys Should Know About Online Gaming.  

In other news, I have no idea what I'm doing with women.  That seems to be a common theme for me, but I think that I don't give a fuck anymore, which is cool.  I mean, it'd be cool if something fell in my lap, but I just don't give a fuck right now.  I'm having such a good time in my life at the moment that a girl can only complicate things.  Maybe if one fits right and we can just chill and hang out, that'd be cool.  But I do not feel like putting my all into a situation that will probably lead nowhere and not be fun.  

I feel no stress right now because I let go of everything and am juts letting things happen in my life, and I forgot how good that felt.  Life is good.